If you are a woman*, you know that this means you have to advocate for your health.

Going to the doctor can be stressful because we are often not listened to and treated as though we are overreacting.

A couple of years ago I was in a car accident. My car was written off and I was left with lower back injuries that increased in pain every day. Instead of getting better, I got worse.

In my professional life, I’m a strong advocate. In my personal life, I don’t like to do this. But my back injury left me facing my biggest hurdle: advocating for myself.

I was going to doctor appt after doctor appt: telling them that the pain is getting worse. After many appts, I convinced my doctor to get me a referral to a specialist, which was set for months down the road.

By this point, I had troubles waking up in the morning due to the pain.

It would take me a long time to sit up and work towards a stand, which was basically me hunched over, holding onto the dresser, breathing through the pain, hoping I won’t wet myself before I could make it to the toilet. I would slowly get ready and hobble my way to the car. After sitting in the car I would have to continue to breathe through my pain before starting the car and driving to work.

Yes, I still went to work. Mainly because I was told I needed to keep moving. And secondly, I couldn’t really afford not to as I was also working on my Masters degree. My accident was in January. By the summer, I couldn’t stand up straight. The pain was so overwhelming I thought I was losing my mind.

I saw the specialist and as soon as he asked me why I was there, I could barely talk through the tears. He told me that I needed a MRI and to see a surgeon. I was on the verge of a complete breakdown, but I was told to keep working and keep moving.

Meanwhile. I finished my Masters and started a full time job. Finally, I was scheduled for the MRI 6 months later and for an appt with a surgeon for a year later.

It was at this point that I knew I wasn’t going to last another year, let alone 6 months. I was taking it day by day. And near the end of August, I walked away from work because I was hunched right over, having tunnel vision due to the pain and absolutely losing it. The pain was so great I couldn’t think. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t. I went to the doctor and I was given Morphine and offered methadonefor pain management. I declined the methadone. (I know way too much about it to accept it.) So, I took the morphine. It made me sleep but unfortunately did not kill the pain.

Thankfully I had a good lawyer, who was able to somehow convince the insurance company that paying to see the surgeon privately and for an MRI privately was the best option.

This moment changed everything.

I knew it was bad. By this point I had a dropped foot with no feelings below my ankle. It felt like bugs crawling on my skin and I wasn’t able to stand up straight. I wasn’t seeing straight, was on meds that weren’t working, and was hanging on by a thread.

I stopped checking in the doctors to give them the insurance information/updates and started to tell them I need help now.

The MRI showed I had 2 bulging discs and a herniated disc that was pressing itself into my sciatic nerve.

And, no amount of rehab was going to change anything.

I would need surgery.

Stay tuned next week for the conclusion of this article.

Soooo, after failing many many times with a workout routine I wanted to try something different. I needed to refocus but honestly, I had no idea how.

1 thing I knew for sure, trying to commit to 3 days at the gym a week didn’t work, committing to one month at a time didn’t work. And trying to eat healthy all day every day didn’t work. I was frustrated with myself. Sooo, I found myself back at square 1 (again). What can I try differently…what haven’t I done…oh wait…I haven’t tried one day at a time. Just wake up, do today. And don’t think about tomorrow, next week, the month, the failures…it wasn’t helping anyways.

Sooo I started by taking a picture for every day I made it…and surprise surprise…they started piling up. Hence the “96 and counting”.

Here’s the deal…with focusing on one day at a time, I stopped seeing failures. I stopped losing hope and started to lose inches. Wowzas!

Through this journey I learned something about myself…

if I’m failing, I just throw my hands in the air and let the failure take over.
I’m not getting to the gym as much as I like, oh well I guess I just wont go.

What’s one workout a week gunna do anyways, might as well just not go.

I eat one cookie…might as well eat 3 more.

And here’s the thing…I generally don’t give up on things, I set goals and go for them, hence having a Masters degree. But for some stinking reason when it comes to a healthy lifestyle, I give up way to easy. Tad embarrassing to admit.

So now here I am…10 months in to a day by day plan…and I going strong…I actually feel like going to the gym, and that it’s part of my routine. New feeling…and a gooder. But here’s what I’ve been noticing lately: I’m looking at myself going: geesh Kells its been 10 months, why haven’t you lost more? Why are you still squishy? Why do your arms still look like that? Why do you still have a muffin top and back fat? Why this and why that…and guess what’s seeping in? Those damn thoughts of well its not working so why work so hard? Why keep going? Why not just be happy with what you got and stop trying? Aaack! Why am I my own worst enemy? WHY!?!?

And I know I’m not the only one fighting with myself.

So why do we do it? Why cant we be happy with ourselves and celebrate what we have accomplished. For goodness sakes, I’ve been going to the gym and living a healthier life for 10 months!! That’s the best I’ve ever done, and all I wanna do is cry about some back fat! It’s so silly of me, I want to focus on the negative, and not all the good things.

One of the issues is that I didn’t recognize the warning signs. I didn’t notice the negative self talk seeping in and taking over. I only noticed the other day when I was at the gym, one of the trainers took my picture for their IG page. Which I have no problem with. BUT when I saw the picture I was horrified. I saw every ugly roll, double chin, chubby legged thing I hate about my body. I was embarrassed to think other people have to see this horrific picture. And that’s when I realized, I am being way to hard on myself. And that others are probably not seeing all these things. So you understand what I mean…here’s the picture:

Yup, that’s it. The picture I was so disgusted with. BUT once I noticed how hard I was on myself, I knew I had to stop and rethink. So let me share with you all what you are looking it in this picture.

Improvement!

Hard Work!

Dedication!

Sweat & Tears!

This is a freaking hard station to do. It’s a good butt burner and takes some practice. I have never done well on this particular station. But after 2014, when I had my car accident and back surgery, I really couldn’t do this station. I started with my feet on the floor, then moved up to the big ball. But I had to keep it pinned on the wall for months. It wasn’t until recently that I was strong enough in my back and hips to move the ball away from the wall and do this work out for a full 2 mins. (ok maybe not the full 2 mins, but pretty darn close).

From all this I realized I need to not only rethink how I set work out goals, but also how I fight the negativity I bury myself in.

Here’s what I’m going to add to my day to day; focus on the here and now plan: acceptance and celebrating what I have done.

But like I said, I know I’m not the only one that has these stupid negative thoughts…so please share with me what you do to fight these silly inner voices? I’d love to know how you all fight the good fight!
Please leave your comment below!