Some career opportunities have come up and so a rehaul was due.

A few years ago, I made a huge change. I left the comfort of my full-time job in mental health, to go to a part-time job in the medical field. I needed to switch gears. And the leftover time would allow me to pursue my business idea and some extras.

This was a brilliant move!

Then things started to feel a little stale. Burlesque, getaways and fitness made things a bit exciting and now we’re back to a feeling a bit stagnant.

So, I took a leap of faith on some opportunities that happened to come my way. And, it’s official: I’m back full-time in mental health!

Overall, this is a good move for me and my future. Then why do I feel this anxiety, which is overwhelming at times?

Did you know that stress is multidimensional?

It affects our cognitive, physical, behavioural and social dimensions.

Stress can*:

• have a positive (eustress) and/or negative (distress) nature,
• have a time frame: acute or chronic (or even acute on chronic),
• be planned or unexpected.

There are pros and cons to everything. And that’s okay. It’s in how you process it and to find appropriate supports.

For me, the CBT approach works best. I know that I ruminate in my feelings like a dog rolls around in a rotting carcass**. My previous negative experiences roll into it. And all these feelings become overwhelming. They overwhelm my logic and I sink farther into the well. I also have a tendency to bottle it all up°.

What works for me

1. I recognize there’s a problem°°,
2. I label my feelings and thought distortions,
3. I use logic to break my thought cycles,
4. I talk it out with a trusted support person.

If you are new to CBT or its tenets don’t quite resonate, N&K encourage you to research different techniques. And then to get appropriate support.

Here is a list of clickable resources to get you N&Kers started:

The Anxiety & Worry Workbook

Bounceback: Reclaim Your Health (depression)

Women’s Anger Management Workbook

Men’s Anger Management Workbook

Boundaries

Brene Brown podcasts and books

Anxiety Canada

Footnotes:
*Winning a competition can be positive. But, there can be negatives too such as feeling more pressure to win the next comp and feeling like the need to train harder. But maybe you don’t have the resources or social support for this.
*An example of acute on chronic is: having a large distressing debt and then all of a sudden, my car breaks down. I don’t have the money to fix it but I need my car to get to work to help pay down the debt.
**Except I don’t want to roll around in it.
°Not sure why I bottled shit up. It’s probably rooted in not being able to trust. But I’ve learned that I have lots of supportive people around, and I can trust them.
°°It took me a long time to realize that feelings are not fact. Feelings can be overwhelming. There are a lot of tools to help me manage. And I know I can manage when I recognize there’s an issue.

Labour Day is today in Canada and the US, N&Kers.

After Netflixing the Alcasser Murders (#ElCasoAlcasser) and monitoring the #hkprotest, I reflected on our freedoms.

As females in North America, Kells & I are:

• lucky to have a (safe) say in living our own lives.
• privileged to have post-secondary education.
• lucky to be able to work in our chosen fields. (These are fields that we actually enjoy working in!)

People who want a higher education or a better-paying job are not able to get what they want due to lack of resources or system biases.

People are hungry, exhausted, hopeless, depressed…

And imagine other countries where freedoms are less-than, especially for us ladies*.

Sure, there’s room for improvement. But let’s take a moment, this Labour Day, to acknowledge and celebrate how far we’ve come:

1. how bad working conditions were;
2. what freedoms our predecessors fought for;
3. that workers efforts’ deserve respect and appreciation.

It took only one person’s courage to speak out and gather the masses to discuss how to make change.

What should our next steps be?

Equal pay?

Addressing Positive and Negative Discrimination?

Equality vs Equity

Happy Labour Day everyone!

Self-care has various definitions depending on which lens you look through Psych Central, Wiki, Mirriam-Webster, Urban Dic.

Psych Central most most aligns with N&K’s definition: something you do merely for yourself in a healthy manner, deliberate, and with personal meaning*. You may be relieved after finishing your to-do list, but this wasn’t done merely for yourself. You are happy you did the laundry that’s been piling up for weeks, but did you do it just for the personal joy?

Why self care?

We’d counter this with ‘why not?’ We spend all day running around, multi tasking, doing what’s expected or asked of us.

Why shouldn’t we do something that’s just for ourselves?

Self care helps relax and de-stress. (Refer to Livescience article and NIMH article.)

How often do I need to do this?

We believe self care should be done daily.

It could be taking 5 minutes to enjoy the unexpected afternoon sun. Doing a facemask with your kid. Having an espresso and cookie (or nookie) with your partner. Practicing your burlesque moves. Singing in the shower. Making your colleagues laugh with a silly joke. Complimenting a stranger**. Taking your pups out for a long hike.

Nals likes to get up early so she has time to enjoy her coffee in the quiet of the morning. Kells likes to take naps on her days off. We like to catch up when we’re both working in the same part of town.

Yeah but isn’t self care selfish?

Absolutely not! As long as it is healthy, done with awareness and has personal meaning. Our old pal Mirriam Webster’s definition. Sure, self care is focused on oneself.

But self care’s focus is not on self-advantage and not with disregard for others.

What’s the Oxford Comma Got to do with it?*

Nothing directly. But self care and The Oxford Comma elicits similar reactions: debates, strong opinions, and misperceptions.

If you do use either or both, do it consistently and with honest intention.

Comment below with how you do self care. Please keep comments PG-13, respectful and on-topic.

Footies
*yep here’s your Oxford comma, folks. Self care consists of 3 separate points: healthy, deliberate and meaningful. Without that last comma, ‘healthy manner’ means that choking down veggies is self care because it is deliberate and meaningful. Add the comma, and you can see that though eating veg is healthy, it may not be with deliberation or personal meaning. Oxford comma, broken down here https://www.grammarly.com/blog/what-is-the-oxford-comma-and-why-do-people-care-so-much-about-it/
** Avoid creepiness.

First thing is first: let’s look at the importance of routine. We feel that routine rules the roost. Once we get back on the horse, many things fall into place- eating better, drinking less alcohol, watching nutritional intake, exercising more, meditating more, increasing awareness of snarky moods.

NY Resolutions are like “diets”… people think that a new year is going to automatically & magically change behaviours. People don’t think things through, don’t plan for obstacles, then fall off the wagon and say… FML, I’m going back to my old habits.

So… During the holidays, we have likely all have stopped our daily healthy routines. We have been indulging in sweets & savouries, taking lots of down time, having lots of sleep-ins. Or, maybe we’ve been the hosts of a huge family/friend gathering and the anxiety of making things perfect for the guests. Perhaps we are in retail business, so we’ve been stressed with working: making quotas, working OT, plastering on smiles…

Nals started the downward spiral in early December. I was getting ready for a performance. So, I was practicing a lot & doing late night dress rehearsals. I was going to bed late, not eating at my usual times, and not doing meal prep… I wasn’t exercising at my usual times or places so it all went to hell in a hand basket PDQ. Right now, I’m probably sleeping off the ringing-in of The New Year in NZ. (BTW, one of the first folks in the world to do so!) So when I get back into GVA, I’m going to start off by getting proper groceries, doing meal prep, and getting back into my early-to-bed early-to-rise routine. That’ll be best, & also will help me mitigate that bloody jet lag.

Kells’s routine was mucked up due to the common December cold. Usually I just power through the cold and keep it going… but this year I was exhausted and slightly feverish. So I missed one day, then a few days, then a week. Yikes! And here’s the thing, it was so easy to fall. Way to easy. I was getting pretty proud of myself for not falling…be even the mighty fall. Hahaha!

Ok…so I got a cold and I’m not going to the gym, and it wasn’t far after that, I wasn’t eating well and wasn’t drinking lots of water! And it didn’t help I made 4 types of cookies. And we all know it’s coming…holidays, cookies, turkey dinners and we plan for it…even I planned for it. I was determined not to fall but down I went.

But now its time to get back in the swing…and honestly I’m not looking forward to squeezing myself into the gym with all the new years resolutionars. But unfortunately it’s part of the process of getting back at it after the holidays, just happens to fall in January.

I just want to suggest that before you dive into the gym, work on your SMART goals and figure out your motivation (what is motivation, what’s your motivation and how does your motivation help you). Nals and I have talked about it many times in our previous posts so I really recommend scanning through those.

How about you guys? How will you get back on track?

K&I pledged on Giving Tuesday that we’d get the word out about giving back.  And if N&K are winners un the contest, our fave charities (Canadian Women Foundation and CARE, Nellies) will get to split $2500!

K&I love to be warm and cosy.   And, here in the PNW, it’s getting pretty nippy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be cosy?  A good coat or blanket can cost >$50.

But what if you couldn’t afford this? Or you have  dependents to feed & keep warm, too? This brings us to the list that we’ve compiled for you generous N&Kers.

 Day 3 

BLANKETS, SLEEPING BAGS, COATS

Blanket Drive  – an oldie but a goodie

Nightshift Ministries – a faith-based organization that meets the needs of people where they are at.

Many companies have partnered up So that you can drop off at a blanket at convenient location: Blanket BC.

Got coat? The Straight has a fab list right here.

Coats for Kids & Families 

Lotus Light did a Care Package last year with sleeping bags.  Nothing listed yet for this year but here’s a link to 2017.

Kells & I love shopping, looking good, eating well and just enjoying life. And, we love to give back when we can.

This year we want to feature 7 Days of Christmas Giving. And why not introduce this on Giving Back Tuesday which is today, november 27.

This is a global movement to… you guessed it: give back. What a perfect time than right after Black Friday? Giving back comes in many forms:

donating money or items

fundraising

raising awareness

giving time (volunteering)

And which charities or organizations, you may ask? Any one that you see fit, folks!

So stay tuned for our fabulous 7 Days of Christmas Giving starting December 1.

When I was heavier, I felt bombarded with images of thin, smooth-skinned, tall ladies as ‘beautiful’. If it was North American media, then tanned vixens. And if Bollywood media, then fair-skinned maidens. No one looked like me: pear-shaped, bespectacled, with frizzy unkempt waves & darker skinned… unless it was an actor who played an evil Bollywood mom. Or, was the star of a self-named comedy show (see posts on Tips 1-4, 5-8, 9-10). And I wasn’t any of those adjectives either!

And these thin women were portrayed as The Ultimate Show Ponies, dripping with confidence, promise, fulfilling lifestyles, happiness and sex appeal. Today, I say “Bravo!” to advertising and entertainment sectors for the deep ingrainment. They worked hard to get that image across.  At the time, it didn’t occur to me that I didn’t know anyone else that looked like that, either. Move over Manson² and Heaven’s Gate, Media is the Ultimate brainwasher.

Keep in mind, my teen years were spent poring over glossy magazines with shiny images, talking on the phone with friends, and watching TV. We didn’t have internet or cell phones. My escape was TV and staying up late reading books¹. So growing up with rigid ideas of what the perfect 2-D body looks like makes a regular 3-D girl feel less-than.

In all honesty I thought once I lost weight³, I would be happier. Things would magically fall into place. Of course this is real-life, not a fairy tale.

Happiness is something you attain. It is not bestowed upon you.

I had to really think about what would make me happy. I love reading, photography, the theatre

and writing. I love all kinds of dance. I am happy when beautiful things surround me: people, clothes, art, wine, food. And I am happy after I have challenged myself.

I try to do things to push my personal boundaries like co-writing this blog. (Yes, I love writing but it’s not easy to put yourself out there.) I’ve taken loads of pictures, in public. Then put up these up for you all to see.

And last week, I started a burlesque class with Kells. Yes, burlesque. I love how bawdy, welcoming, tongue-in-cheek, flirty, raucous it is. And we had no idea about its fabulously clandestine history. 

This is an intro class, with a lovely range of ladies across sizes, ages, shapes and abilities. About one third took the class to push themselves, have fun and become more comfortable in their own skin.  Some of the same reasons as N&K!

I would say I’m a happier person, having pushed personal boundaries and embracing all aspects of myself. Am I positive and happy 100% of the time? Of course not. Real life has ups and downs. But if you want to lead a more fulfilling lifestyle…

you gotta wake the F up. Self-evaluate and make a plan of change.

Don’t just chug along with life. Grab it by the horns and point it in the right direction!

Footnotes
1 Thanks Judy Blume, Stephen King, Danielle Steele, Isaac Asimov for keeping me up too late
2 Charles, not Marilyn
3 According to a female family member, all I needed to do in my teen years, was lose weight, get rid of unsightly zits and get toss the glasses. (She was unsure of this last thing, as presumably, there were attractive librarians with glasses.) This aunt was a solid support to me. She never lied. But, she encouraged my strengths and didn’t let me forget them. And I adored her. (She was the next best thing to sliced bread!) So when she gave me this unsolicited bit of advice, which came out of the blue, I was heartbroken.

As you all have probably noticed or just know Nals and I do not have kids. And here’s the thing, we don’t want kids. This may be shocking to some people. Why would 2 happily married women choose to not have children?

So let’s talk about it.

First of all, let’s not assume.
1. Let’s not assume we don’t like children. In fact, we do. Being aunties is very important to us. The kids in our lives bring us extreme love and joy.
2. Let’s not assume this brings turmoil to our marriages. It doesn’t. We are all on the same page.
3. Let’s not assume we will change our minds. We wont.
4. Let’s not assume all women have the longing desire to have children. Yes, some do. But like us, some don’t.
5. Let’s not assume that we aren’t having children because we don’t want to. Yes it’s true for me, I don’t want kids. But there are many women out that that want to and cant. Please be mindful that these women are going through a lot and don’t need the assumptions and judgments from others.

Secondly, let’s stop telling women that choose to not have children hurtful things.
1. Stop saying: “you will never know true love until you give birth”. This is not true. We are happy you love your child however, please stop discrediting the love we have for the people we have in our lives.
2. Stop saying: “you’re young, you will change your mind”. Age has nothing to do with it. But thanks for thinking we are young.
3. Stop saying: “well what does your husband think, doesnt he want kids”? Again, this is a team decision. We had these convos before we were married. As the womb carrier in the relationship we arent holding our spouses hostage.
4. Stop saying: “but you would make a great mother”. Maybe I would. But maybe I wont, after, I don’t want children. I want to be a great auntie. I’m a great auntie. I don’t want to be a mother.

I truly appalled Jen Aniston. For years she been made out to be a woman that wants children but cant. Or a woman that wants children but not with the current man. Or the man wants them and she doesn’t so he has to leave her for a woman that wants kids. That’s so awful. Why is she the bad guy? And why does society and tabloids create the stories around her choice to not have children and make her to be the villain. Maybe she does want children but cant. How awful for her to have people assume things about her. And I’m amazed at her poise and strength.

Please, I beg you. Please stop seeing women who don’t want children as bad or wrong or broken. We aren’t judging you because you want them. We think that’s great! So please understand our choice.

We’ve heard about fat shaming before – and most of us know about this first hand malheuresment– but never vulva shaming.
A good jumping off point is Wrenna Robertson’s blog post “Starting the conversation“. Vulva shaming is when 1 person chastises another female’s vulva for the way it looks. Typically the complaints are: tissue is too big, too flappy or just plain misshapen.

Let’s all take a moment to pause to really absorb this concept.

I can’t imagine saying to anyone, “Hey girl, you gotta do something about that snaggly-looking vulva.”

With the world we live in, can we not give each other a break? We’re now searching for fodder below the belt? How ludicrous to fault the look of something that’s not in our control.

Okay then how do you know what it’s supposed to look like?

Firstly, let’s get anatomical terms in order.
Vagina = the internal parts of female gentalia.
Vulva = umbrella term for external genitalia including both sets of labia & mons. Most of us have used the term vag or vagina when we were actually referring to the vulva.

The Vision of the V

Lo and behold, there is a wide variety colours, sizes and shapes of vulvas. There is no right and wrong.
Check out the variety at the informational website Australia’s Labia Library.¹
Since you are likely not in adult entertainment², comparing your A,B,Vs (or someone else’s) to that of a pornographic star’s is unfair. A lot of stars alter the way their bodies look: piercings, labiaplasty, skin bleaching, skin fillers, skin tighteners, etc. The playing field is not level. In fact, there’s nothing playful about this nonsense.

But really I think something is awry with my V

Just like other bodily tissue, vulvas can also get troubled or… start off troubled. If you feel or see something funny, feel or see a change or you’re just not sure, then get checked under the proverbial hood by a trusted gynecologist.

If you have been vulva (or ­body) shamed

please speak with a licensed health professional such as through the Canadian Psychology Association or American Psychology Association. And speak out against this inappropriate, unhelpful behaviour.

If you have engaged in vulva (body) shaming

then you need to get your issues sorted toute fg suite. The vulvas around you will look different from yours. You are probably not an expert³ on vulvar anatomy so please don’t embody one.

For more info on vulvar issues:
The V Book
National Vulvodynia Association
Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
The National Women’s Health Information Center
International Vulval Society
Footnotes
¹Wow a Labia Library? Yes N&Kers, those Aussies go down under to get the real goods on the goods.
²If you are in the adult entertainment field, consider the emo impact of how your body looks to others. Consider about non-intrusive methods to enhance body parts. Or better yet, go au naturel.
³And if you are an expert, vulva shaming is neither considered good bedside manner nor is it helpful.

Defining Body Positivity

Doing a quick search, you can find various descriptions:
As per health marketing (for weight loss & gyms) BoPo is: we’ll help you³ get the body you want by training at our gym, eating our food or following our rules.

Translation: you are a work in progress.

Psychology says that Bopo is: Your knowledge that your worth is not based on your appearance. You do not feel oppressed or marginalized. You model this behaviour as well: not putting people down because of their appearance. (We’ve all heard trifling things like “After marriage, people let themselves go.” Or “They*² used to be so hot and now they’re so fat!”)

Translation: It’s not about changing the way you look. It’s about acceptance of the way you look at this moment, and modeling the behaviours.

zeitgeisty

As a term gains popularity, it morphs and grows. But these 2 translations are kind of opposite right?
So, what the what?

Let’s back up a bit more …

In the 90s, the Body Positive movement began as a therapeutic response to disordered eating, in the context of anorexia.
Their Mission:
“The Body Positive teaches people how to reconnect to their innate body wisdom so they can have more balanced, joyful self-care, and a relationship with their whole selves that is guided by love, forgiveness, and humor.”
We love that their inclusive Mission statement recognizes the person-centred nature of wellness. My wellness regime is not going to be the same as yours. But also my regime may change depending on changes in my condition.

N&k’s take on bopo

When we first encountered the term BoPo, we took it to mean that we all have different bodies and abilities. This variety is where the beauty of BoPo lies. What the human body and mind can do are amazing. We are resilient and have plasticity. Booyeah: Body Positivity á la N&K!

At this point, N&K’s idea of BoPo probably morphs into Health at Every Size (#HAES¹).

For the past decade, Kells & I have been working with folks who have severe challenges with addiction and as such, engage in risky behaviours. But we have seen time and time again that people can reach their own potential with motivation, empowerment and an adaptable game plan. There is positive mental and physical health at every state and stage of life.

So . . .

BoPo means acceptance & awareness.
Working out can be the next seamless step, if it is for the sake of becoming healthier. For example, doing weight training exercises to get stronger. Losing weight might be a byproduct but not the main driving force.
So yes, we think these 2 buzzterms are distinct but complementary and on a continuum.

What do you guys think?

Please comment below.

Footnotes
¹Yep there’s a hashtag for that. More info on: Health at Every Size.
²we need to come up with a gender-inclusive pronoun that depicts the singular person.
³Feels like we should have a pic of Abe Lincoln pointing here.